Things Don't Always Get Better
There's a phrase I hear time and again when I speak with middle-aged men who are clearly struggling: "Things can only get better." Indeed, it’s a phrase I’ve used myself on many occasions.
On the surface, it seems positive, resilient even. However, I've come to recognise that this hopeful statement is often a shield. A carefully constructed façade hiding a darker reality.
We middle-aged men have mastered the art of "keeping calm and carrying on." We've been conditioned to believe that strength means silence, that vulnerability equals weakness, and that our worth is measured by our ability to provide, protect, and persevere, regardless of the cost to our mental health.
And the cost is often devastatingly high.
According to the Samaritans' 2023 Suicide Statistics Report, men in their 40s and 50s remain the highest risk group for suicide, with rates almost three times higher than women of the same age. The Office for National Statistics reports that men aged 45-49 continue to have the highest suicide rate of any age group in the UK. It's not just a British phenomenon; this pattern repeats across the Western world.
Why? We've created a perfect storm where middle-aged men face unique pressures: career plateaus or redundancies, financial strains, family responsibilities, aging parents, health concerns, and shifting identities, all while lacking the emotional vocabulary and support systems to process these challenges.
Women - whose own mental health challenges are no less important - are much better at articulating their feelings and emotions and sharing their mental health burden with friends and professionals who are best placed to help
We middle-aged men have been raised in the twilight between generations, too young to fully embrace our fathers' ‘endurance without complaining’ attitude, yet too old to have fully benefited from more recent conversations about mental health. We exist in a space where we recognise the importance of emotional wellness - and are doing our best to educate our boys on this - yet lack the ‘tools’ to achieve it ourselves.
It’s a conversation that I’ve already had about half a dozen times in my work engagements this year with people genuinely struggling to make sense of their situations. In the absence of an answer, they have chosen to maintain momentum.
But the brutal truth is that things don't just "get better" on their own. Not without intervention. Not without conversation. Not without vulnerability.
The most courageous thing a middle-aged man can do today isn't to silently soldier on, it's to speak up. To admit when we're not coping. To recognise that seeking help isn't a weakness but the ultimate form of strength.
Your life matters. Your struggles are valid. And your story doesn't have to end in silence.
The Samaritans do fantastic work with people of all genders and ages. If you feel you’re in need of help, then please reach out to them at https://www.samaritans.org/.