5 Phrases Emotionally Intelligent Leaders Consistently Use
I’m Sorry
English author CS Lewis once said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” The ability to say sorry and apologise for something that’s gone wrong is still seen as a sign of weakness, when the reality is, it’s a sign of your humanity. And… people want to see it!
This refusal to express remorse for something is still one of the biggest leadership flaws that I see in the business world. As human beings, there is simply no way for any of us to be correct about everything all of the time. Indeed, it would be strange if we never made a mistake.
Not saying sorry also indirectly sets the tone for the rest of the team to do likewise and will eventually lead to finger-pointing, blame and, in some instances, a complete lack of honesty.
Emotionally intelligent leaders understand the need for humility and recognise its importance in building team safety.
I’ll leave the final words here to Brené Brown who said, “We pretend that what we’re doing doesn’t have an impact on other people. Just be real and say that you’re sorry.”
I’m Listening
We are the most distracted generations of people ever and the result of us allowing our attention to wander is that we will gradually lose the crucial art of listening.
In their groundbreaking research on listening in the 1970s, Carver, Johnson and Friedman found that most people speak at 125 wpm but that the human mind is capable of processing at least 400 wpm. Meaning it’s not that humans don’t have the capacity to listen effectively, it’s just that, well, they don’t want to. Especially when they can distract themselves with email, notifications and social media feeds.
In order to improve your listening skills, you could employ Active Empathetic Listening (Drollinger et al):
Sense - what is someone saying? How are they saying it? What body language is on display?
Process - how does what they’re saying and how they’re saying it chime with what you know of them or of the situation?
Respond - only when the other person has finished speaking should you respond and you should acknowledge what they’ve said when you do so. Remember that sometimes no response is necessary — people just want to get things off their chest and are not looking for you to resolve anything!
Yes, and
One of the biggest motivation and creativity killers (along with extroverts telling you to be positive!) is the word ‘but’. Now of course, those that like to use it will defend it as a linking word or say that it’s a way of challenging your thinking, however, I disagree with that. In my experience it acts as a brick wall, signalling that someone is wrong or that their idea is unsound. Even worse when someone interrupts you with 10 consecutive ‘buts’... that’s the worst! ‘But, but, but, but…’.
As someone who has studied the world of improvisation — where the ‘yes, and’ technique is practised regularly — I know that it is a way of not only acknowledging what’s been said, but also providing the opportunity for collaboration with others. It’s a way of saying ‘I hear you and here’s my contribution to the discussion’.
Of course I’m not suggesting that the word ‘but’ should be eradicated from your vocabulary! I just think that by not starting a sentence defensively, constructive discussion becomes easier to do. Removing the ‘but’ turns a potential rejection into an active conversation and leads to better outcomes and improved psychological safety.
I trust you
Assumed trust is one of the key elements found in vibrant workplace cultures. In these teams, trust doesn’t have to be earned over a period of time, nor are you permanently on notice for the decisions that you make.
Leaders in vibrant cultures recognise that in order to create an environment where people can bring their best selves to work, they need to set expectations well, provide space for discussion, then let people use their judgement and expertise to make decisions and get their job done.
Nobody can get their job right 100% of the time, however, as long as they have a growth mindset, work well with others and don’t continually make the same mistakes, then there should be no reason why leaders can’t place their complete trust in them. When this happens leaders won’t have to constantly remind people of the fact that they’re empowered and that’s a win for everyone!
Thank You
A manager once told me that a little gratitude goes a long way and it’s something that immediately stuck with me. Often people can get so caught up in a task that they forget to say the words that recognise the effort that went into it — thank you, merci, gracias, danke, dank u, grazie, dōmo arigatō, kamsahamnida, obrigada, dhanyawādāh or dankie — or whatever it may be in your language!
There isn’t a human being on the planet that doesn’t want to be shown gratitude for the work that they do and the science shows that when it’s consistent, it has a positive long-lasting effect on the brain and the way that people interact with each other.
Ways you can show gratitude include:
Verbal. Simply look them in the eye and say thank you. How hard can that be?! If it’s in a group situation, take care you don’t embarrass them. Whole Foods in the US has an ‘Appreciations’ agenda item in meetings to reinforce the importance of gratitude.
Email. Send an email to the team calling out the work of one or more individuals, taking care not to alienate others.
Card. Write a brief thank you card and leave/send it to the individual(s) in question.
Coffee/lunch. Consider this an extension of the verbal thank you, but also a ‘reward’, to be paid for out of your own pocket, to show your appreciation.
Something more personal. Once you get to know your team members you can buy them a gift you know they’ll like.
In his excellent book Emotional Capitalists, author Martyn Newman says, “Leaders who treat people in a way that supports their self-confidence make it possible for people to achieve things they initially thought impossible.” By using these phrases you not only consistently show the good human that lives inside you, but also create the conditions for this good humanity to spread.
Which one do you need to work on first?